Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I still dream about you.

Last night, I have a beautiful heartbreaking dream. I was at an unknown place, swarming with people. I elbowed my way through the teeming place and felt like walking through the dark road with dim street lights. Some people seemed familiar especially one particular person who made my heart freeze. It was him, the one who is utterly important to me albeit he broke it. Yes, I could feel my apprehension in that dream. I did not know why I felt scared when I saw him. Perhaps, I was scared of getting hurt again. His smile was glowing like starlight. Perhaps, it's because his dream came true. I was never in his dream or not even close to his world.

I evaded him by going the opposite path. Then, a platoon of vicious soldiers came from nowhere, brandishing guns at us. I heard people screaming and everything turned chaotic. Instead of running for my life, I was looking for him. All I could think about was his safety.

 I spun around and ran straight to him as soon as I found him. I shielded him with my body. While shielding him, I held both of his hands tightly. It felt so real. I could feel his warmth. I knew it was inappropriate and sinful to touch opposite gender but I couldn't control myself. As if I were possessed by something. I whispered to him word by word, " you.. Always!" I let go both of his hands slowly when one of the vicious soldiers shot me.

Then, I woke up. I wonder what's the real meaning behind my dream.Perhaps, that vicious soldier who shot me signifies painful reality and letting go means I need to move on even though I still have strong feelings for him.

Yes, honestly, I still do care about him and his happiness. That's why I tried to erase him from my mind as he has found his happiness. No more chasing after him. I let him go because I truly love him. I wish I know why I have these enigmatically strong feelings for him.

It reminds me of the scene from The Phantom of the Opera play. The phantom let Chrisitine go so she could marry Raoul and be happy albeit he still has strong feelings for her. I could feel Erik, the phantom's pain deeply.

I wish moving on is as easy as eating. I want to be happy too, to love and be loved in return. I am tired with wasting my time with unrequited love and sad endings.

But, I know Allah knows best. I trust Him and His wisdom. I really hope my dream comes true too. To love and be loved in return and be happy with my significant other in this world and the Hereafter.Please, Ar-Rahman, make it come true.

Monday, June 16, 2014


Assalamualaikum and hi there. I know I've failed (again) to complete NaPoWriMo challenge as I'm currently struggling to complete my tedious Master's thesis. Oh, well. By the way, here's my poem for today. I just want to share my madness with all of you ngehahaha..okay, just ignore my menacing laugh (don't worry it's harmless) Here goes:


How can you live
in the place
that you called home
where you breathe loneliness
and the walls turn darker,
where you can only hear
anger echoes,
they blame you
for all the madness,
where you don't realize
you are married to the
freezing loneliness that crawls
in your skin
night and day,
where you feel like
you don't belong here
in the place that you called


P.S. Yup, this Master's thesis indeed drives me insane.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

NaPoWriMo #8: Tonight I can sing the saddest tune (after Neruda)

Day 8's prompt is to rewrite a famous poem. Okay, challenge accepted!This is like me preparing a meal (which is indeed disastrous as I'm culinary challenged). I'm going to rewrite one of Pablo Neruda's poems, Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Line. This is Neruda's poem:

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

-Pablo Neruda-

This is my version:

Tonight I can sing the saddest tune.

I hold my pen and croon,
Tonight I can sing the saddest tune.

With my shattered hope and the pale moonlight,
I croon in the somber night.

The immense night is without the shivering stars,
and there is nothing but my bleeding scars.

Sometimes, Hope can tear you apart,
Just what it did to my fragile heart.

The man I love is distant and cold,
And indeed I am not his precious gold.

He fills my intricate void, my remedy, my salve,
How can you love and miss someone you never have?

Yet, I still pray for his well-being
and I never stop praying.

I still love him, I do
By protecting her too.

Tonight I can sing the saddest tune.
I hold my pen and croon.

With my shattered hope and the pale moonlight,
I croon in the somber night.

Perhaps, this is not my last time
I sing for him with my broken rhyme.


Monday, April 7, 2014

NaPoWriMo #7 Books

Day 7's prompt is to write a love poem but the target object must be inanimate. Here goes:

You take me to the world
where actuality tastes like
cotton candy
and play me the music
of words
to annihilate my pain.
You make me forget
the loneliness' footprints 
on my heart.
Sometimes, I do feel like
burning you
but most of the time
you fill my world
with your spectacular colours and magic.
How can I live without 
my painter?
I carry you
in my soul,
as you are
my loyal companion
my amorous lover
my home.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

NaPoWriMo #6: Through my window

Day 6's prompt is to write what you see outside your window. Here is my lousy poem. I wish there were a hunky bloke out there. Perhaps I can write like Shakespeare when I see one?

Through My Window
Birds chirp like
a composer
and trees rustle
in the wind
and dance
to a mellifluous song.
Clouds swim in the cerulean pool,
creating its own art.
A middle-aged man,
in faded shirt is
cleaning the rain gutters
and downspouts
(I wish he were my distant wonder-wall
or Nico Mirallegro),
while I am looking
through my window,
like a distressed princess
confined in a tower,
and composing a poem
instead of writing
my never-ending


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Day 5:The Golden Shovel

I used these ending words from Thom Gunn and Edna St. Vincent Millay's poems to compose my poem. Here are their poems:

Their relationship consisted
In discussing if it existed.

-Thom Gunn

First Fig
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

And here's mine:

True Love
True love is consisted
of Divine Light, it existed
in the purest soul, no ends
and it gleams in the darkest night
Like loyal friends
It emanates the brightest light.

Friday, April 4, 2014

NaPoWriMo #4:Peace

Day four's prompt is to write a lune, an English language variation on the haiku. I'm going to follow the version developed by Jack Collum that consists of three-line stanza, 3-5-3 format. Here goes:

Peace wraps me
like a lost lover, when
I feel You.