I still dream about you.

Last night, I have a beautiful heartbreaking dream. I was at an unknown place, swarming with people. I elbowed my way through the teeming place and felt like walking through the dark road with dim street lights. Some people seemed familiar especially one particular person who made my heart freeze. It was him, the one who is utterly important to me albeit he broke it. Yes, I could feel my apprehension in that dream. I did not know why I felt scared when I saw him. Perhaps, I was scared of getting hurt again. His smile was glowing like starlight. Perhaps, it's because his dream came true. I was never in his dream or not even close to his world.

I evaded him by going the opposite path. Then, a platoon of vicious soldiers came from nowhere, brandishing guns at us. I heard people screaming and everything turned chaotic. Instead of running for my life, I was looking for him. All I could think about was his safety.

 I spun around and ran straight to him as soon as I found him. I shielded him with my body. While shielding him, I held both of his hands tightly. It felt so real. I could feel his warmth. I knew it was inappropriate and sinful to touch opposite gender but I couldn't control myself. As if I were possessed by something. I whispered to him word by word, "I..love.. you.. Always!" I let go both of his hands slowly when one of the vicious soldiers shot me.

Then, I woke up. I wonder what's the real meaning behind my dream.Perhaps, that vicious soldier who shot me signifies painful reality and letting go means I need to move on even though I still have strong feelings for him.

Yes, honestly, I still do care about him and his happiness. That's why I tried to erase him from my mind as he has found his happiness. No more chasing after him. I let him go because I truly love him. I wish I know why I have these enigmatically strong feelings for him.

It reminds me of the scene from The Phantom of the Opera play. The phantom let Chrisitine go so she could marry Raoul and be happy albeit he still has strong feelings for her. I could feel Erik, the phantom's pain deeply.

I wish moving on is as easy as eating. I want to be happy too, to love and be loved in return. I am tired with wasting my time with unrequited love and sad endings.

But, I know Allah knows best. I trust Him and His wisdom. I really hope my dream comes true too. To love and be loved in return and be happy with my significant other in this world and the Hereafter.Please, Ar-Rahman, make it come true.

Madness

Assalamualaikum and hi there. I know I've failed (again) to complete NaPoWriMo challenge as I'm currently struggling to complete my tedious Master's thesis. Oh, well. By the way, here's my poem for today. I just want to share my madness with all of you ngehahaha..okay, just ignore my menacing laugh (don't worry it's harmless) Here goes:

Madness

How can you live
in the place
that you called home
where you breathe loneliness
and the walls turn darker,
where you can only hear
anger echoes,
they blame you
for all the madness,
where you don't realize
you are married to the
freezing loneliness that crawls
in your skin
night and day,
where you feel like
you don't belong here
in the place that you called
home.

-Nuruljannah-

P.S. Yup, this Master's thesis indeed drives me insane.